At our 25th or 30th Fisk reunion (our class meets the years that end in zeros and fives), again with the support of my friend Glenda, I arranged to meet with “B,” the man who had raped me all those years ago. We met in the lobby of our reunion hotel. I had decided, hoped, that confronting him would help me let go of the assault and its residual effects on me.
My stomach was in knots and I was beyond nervous. “B” showed up at the appointed time and place. He looked worried. “What did you want to talk about?” he asked. “I think you know,” I said; “I want to know why you did what you did to me. Why you raped me.”
“B” seemed surprised, but he did not say what I expected. He did not say he didn’t do it. Instead, he said, “I thought you wanted . . .” His voice trailed off. I was incredulous and I’m sure my face and voice showed it; for a moment, I was literally speechless. “You thought I wanted to be raped . . . by you and ___? That makes sense to you?” At this point “B” said, “I’m sorry if I misunderstood . . .” Again, his voice trailed off. He wanted to characterize his crime, his rape of me, as a misunderstanding! It shocked me and made me angry and sad.
And that was that. I do not remember the rest of the conversation if there was any “rest.” It was disappointing. I don’t know what I expected, but I certainly did not expect to be told that “B” thought I wanted to be raped – by two people no less! I am really lucky that our other classmate refused to take part in the assault. I guess what I wanted, what I hoped for was a full-throated apology, but as you can see, I didn’t get one.
The statute of limitations has long since run out on “B”’s crime. I have done my best to let it go, and exposing the decades-old secret did help some. But I never will forget or forgive what “B” did to me. For now, I am determined to let it go, though I do hope that one day I will have the nerve, the courage, to say his full name in a post so that he can experience the shame and burden of his crime as I did for so long. I don’t want there to be any “misunderstanding.”
2 Replies to “The End of My #MeToo Story”
Dear Pamela…I’m so sorry this happened to you. The fact that you have had to relive and endure this pain for so long is unforgivable. I definitely understand how this personal attack on your body has deeply affected your beautiful mind and spirit. Please know that I admire your strength, and support you wholeheartedly in your quest for resolution for this unconscionable attack on your body by one of your fellow classmates. Stay strong and continue to fight for the right to totally clear your mind of this unforgiveable attack by confronting and exposing “B”. Take comfort in knowing that this was not a “misunderstanding”. The more women come forward, the clearer the problem becomes. Keep your head held high!
Pamela, this is a heart-rending story. I am so sorry that this happened to you, and applaud you for your bravery and candor. Your courage in stepping forward is only matched by your wonderful communicative powers – your gift for telling a story in a way that is meaningful and unforgettable. I think you are part of a great revolution that I believe will continue on. Women everywhere should thank you for being one more voice for this revolution, as I do. You are helping those who feel helpless against the entitled predators of the world to be not only aware of their great power, but also emboldened to use it.